Letters to Jack

Why would anyone want to settle for a small town girl with eyes too big for her heart?

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 21:56:41 -0400

Why would anyone want to settle for a small town girl with eyes too big for her heart?

Photo

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 23:24:02 -0400

Today may have been the worst day because its the first day

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 00:17:43 -0400

He stared devilishly

She smiled sheepishly

He knew it would hurt

She knew it would hurther

He knew the risk

She knew the reward

He sent a kiss

She pushed him forward

He grinned deeply with delight

She motioned to him

He turned out the light

She giggled slowly

He watched her undress

She thought for a minute

He took off the rest

She awoke in pain both superficial and deep

A pain that for weeks would keep her from sleep

She regretted that night

She regretted his stare

to awake and find her sister not there…

-of all trades

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:15:51 -0500

Jack

Jill

Jack

Masterpiece of (un)the(atre) theatre

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 01:32:30 -0500

We do not remember days, We remember moments.

I should probably learn to live by this a little more. But I’m foolishly in love with numbers, I’m smitten for dates but lately I’ve fallen forward for forgetfulness.

This is my day, this is my moment, this is my memory.

Now watch me fuck it up beautifully.

Photo

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 17:44:51 -0500

Untitled

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:42:28 -0500

He’s my life vest

my anchor

without him I’ll float away

He knows the right ways to say things

all the (w)right things to say and

the right order to say them.

He is the moon shining through any darkness

He does not pick me up from the bottom

He teaches me how to life up myself.

He is the waves on my shore-

coming and going

but never for long

He is my hope when things get dim.

He is the sun when things get cold.

He can make me feel again

He is my lifevest

my anchor.

Photo

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:36:34 -0500

Walt Whitman is inspired

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 12:47:42 -0500

Walt Whitman

inspired

Ape E

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:30:41 -0500

Dear Jack-

I’m sorry but this is what I have to do. I hope this distance does not kill you. I hope you understand that it is what I need to do. I hope this distance is killing you.

Because it isn’t killing me. You put all your strength into looking strong and not enough into being strong.

Downfall.

Cotton Ball

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:23:05 -0500

white and fluffy-

the cat’s meow.

await the door bell

hiss and growl.

moans from the hallway

moans from the stair.

crying and waiting

for someone to care.

Remember when it would rain and we’d laugh smoking cigarettes and waiting for the caf?

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 18:23:54 -0500

Remember when it would rain and

we’d laugh

smoking cigarettes and

waiting for the caf?

Drunken rambles of the 2 AM Bride

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 01:45:00 -0500

my eye balls teared together. they close. they close. they’re close.

it pains me. all else seems irrelevant compared to you.

Reclaiming the Scene

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 01:39:41 -0500

There are so many things I regret. There are so many pieces of me i wish i could delete, give away, abolish. but maturity had taught me that i cannot. I need to love things about myself that no one else does, I need to understand my psyche more than any other human here. So many things keep me from love, or intimacy, but I’m over it. Yes, I have flaws, big flaws that affect others. Flaws I don’t necessarily say or talk about but I should disclose but I don’t. Because my reputation has always come first. Well I’m done living up to the popular girl I’ve become, I was deeper and happier in high school being less than that- so why degrade myself now. I am moody, I am pretty, I have flaws. Accept me and I’ll accept you. Disrespect me and I’ll disrespect you. this is not about the title, or popularity, it is about being real to me and those I care about. It is about being me and not being the front I put on for everyone.

This is about me loving me and appreciating those who helped that happen. thank you.

Things I wish you knew

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:28:12 -0500

Dear Jack,

I feel you slipping away further as the mileage grows and grows.

I don’t think you know how much I need you, or how much I think my need for you bothers you every minute of the day. I wish you knew how much my heart hurts when I think of how far you are from me. I wish you knew that the time we spent with each other was the best time of my entire life and everything after is being juxtaposed against those days.

I wish I wasn’t so fucking immature and stupid. I wish I knew how to survive without you because I can feel that I’m losing you. It’s inevitable that one day you will not come back, I keep pulling and pulling. I’ve never had to try so hard for anything in my life. One day I am going to fly to you and never fly back. But first I need your help to grow my wings.

I don’t need you to love me. I just need you to help me love me.

DJ's

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:38:00 -0500

Bob is at the counter wearing tired eyes

awaiting my return, a sweet surprise.

Christine is ecstatic when my car rolls up,

she’s brewed me some coffee into my cup.

Danielle, who I, too, can never remember

whether or not we met last September.

And Shaunee with all his photoesque glory

is always excited for my homecoming story.

There’s George with his laugh and his sweet, sweet smile

who waits to leave so I’ll stay a while.

Caroline who I haven’t known for too long

who makes my coffee way too fucking strong.

The man with Parkinson’s whose name I don’t know

still walks to the shop- even in the snow.

My home has never been so far from here

but in my heart I hold this place dear.

My address may have changed by my feelings have not

I will come back when the weather turns hot.

It’s a long drive but worth it in the end

to drink up some coffee and chat with old friends.

My downward spiral is gaining momentum

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:37:00 -0500

As we speak you lie asleep.

I can’t remember the last time I saw you awake. I hoped you’d come out once I stopped but a piece of me knew you wouldn’t.

I’m searching for you, have been, and will keep on.

I hurt, but I can’t feel it. You’re gone, but maybe it’s for the best.

Maybe I want to feel love, joy, excitement. But maybe it’s better to not and save the pain, anger, and heartache for the rest of the world. Am I alone?

I’ve fought all my addictions to get you back. And now I don’t remember how to do the things I love without you: I can’t remember how to make friends, how to explore, how to write, how to love.

And drinking less and smoking more won’t help.

but neither will ignoring the ones who have stood next to me when even I can’t find a reason to like me.

Yes, me- cocky, cool, and confident with so much to hide from myself.

I pulled the wool over my eyes,

I stared into the sun and was left seeing less than before.

My need for attention and affection out weighted my sense of self-worth.

I’m trapped in this shell and it’s cracking under the pressure.

I can’t remember the last time I felt anything at all. My eyes well up but my head and heart don’t know why. I don’t feel pain. Maybe I should have been an actress, I played the part well. I’ve been acting out my life since well before I knew how. I felt more “emotion” as my staged roles than I do as myself.

How does someone get this way?

I feel like I’ve fought this battle over and over.

Maybe I’m not meant to feel at all. Maybe that’s God’s gift to me. Maybe he spared me from all the hurt in the world. Or maybe some cog in the gears is gumming up the works. Maybe you threw a wrench and I missed it along the way. Maybe I’m over analyzing everything. Maybe I don’t know what emotions are and have been feeling them all along. Maybe I’ll never meet my own expectations.

What would Jack do?

He’d fight.

And that’s what I’m gonna do.

Hello old friend

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 02:47:56 -0500

Where have you been?

I missed the days that we’d hold hands, while we’d dance on top the gravel pit sands.

We’d bounce to the moon and sing the Lion King tune.

We’d play pretend and dress up, true. But when your brothers were mean, you were too.

All I asked was for a friend, someone I could call up and would answer the other end.

But when it came time to leave you did, and not a single tear was shed.

For I was strong, I didn’t love you, I don’t. For without you, loving, I just won’t.

But to this day I do still hurt, but with others I cannot help but flirt.

I know you will never be mine but we can play pretend. And I do know eventually my heart will mend.

But maybe, just maybe you think of me too. As often, of you, I do.

Perhaps it is a hopeless dream of mine, we barely spoke when we met last time.

I will always wish you loved me too, but for the time we spent: thank you.

Things my Pride won't say;

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 02:25:27 -0500

Dear Jack-

Thank you for inspiring me, minimizing me, curing me, and saving my life more than once.

Dear Jack-

I love you, I always have. Please come back. I can keep a secret.

Dear Jack-

I forgive you for betraying me over and over again. You are not the source of my complexes and hatred. I am for letting scum like you into my life again.

Dear Jack-

What went wrong? Why?

Dear Jack-

You have always been my truest friend. I wish I wasn’t so shallow.

Dear Jack-

Goodbye.

Dear Jack-

I loved being loved by you. I miss it.

Dear Jack-

Your indifference destroyed it all.

Dear Jack-

I only hate you because you remind me of ~~her~~. Why do I keep letting these people into my life?

Dear Jack-

You and I both know this friendship means nothing to you.

Confusion Part 2.

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:30:00 -0500

Confusion Part 2.